A Good Day

Even though there is heartache associated with my recent freedom, I look at the few things I've been able to do today, without fear, and I smile to myself just a little.

I went for a drive without having to stay on the phone the entire trip. The changes in my location and background noises weren't analyzed. I wasn't angrily questioned about how long I planned to stay at each place I went to.

I didn't have to give my itinerary for the day. I wasn't berated if I added something to my plans, or questioned on "where I actually went" if I changed my plans.

I was able to openly respond when someone spoke to me small. I made small-talk. I wasn't questioned on what was said. I wasn't questioned on whether the speaker was male or female, or if a male speaker was showing me any interest. I wasn't accused of being enticing, of enjoying all the attention, or of outright cheating. I wasn't asked to send a full-body pic of myself because "I miss you, and want to see you" (but really wanting to see what I'm wearing, and if that's the reason I'm "drawing so much attention").

I went to a nice place to eat, without intense questioning on who I was meeting there, or who was coming to meet me there. I wasn't asked the exact name and location of the restaurant, only for him to show up some time later, scowling and angry. There were no countless phonecalls and no mounting number of angry texts.There was no nauseous, sick feeling as the regular calls and texts stopped, and the frenzied third-party calls, texts, and video calls began.

It was nice to not justify, argue about, defend, or explain my thoughts, feelings, facial expressions, or movements. It was nice to face the threat of the relationship being over if I couldn't do and give what he needed. It was nice to not feel fear, panic, dread, anger, and hurt.

It was nice to just  BE.