FINALLY CHOOSING ME

Lost in thoughts today.

When I was with the narcissistic abuser, I learned that there are many kinds of pain,  endless intensities and shades of it. When I was ready to leave, I saw that I would have to choose between two: I could go through the pain of ripping myself away from him, and dress my wounds, moment by moment, until they faded and healed. Or I could continue to suffer the pain of living under his curses and rages, his domination and assaults, knowing he would not stop until I was completely broken, lifeless.

I chose to break free. And it was painful. But it was a pain I could nurse in peace and quiet. Without fear. At the pace that I needed, for however long it took. The days turned to months, and then a year, and the pain softened. It's edges, less sharp. 

I couldn't have imagined it back then, but this quiet, simple time of my life is what I need. Despite the pain, it has been healing. It's difficult to leave a narcissistic abuser. Those who have lived it, or are in it, truly know just how difficult it is. But once you're ready, once you're able, give yourself the chance to live without the pain of abuse. Feel what's it's like to be away from the fear, their raging and cursing and controlling and bruising.  It's not easy,  but it is good.