THREE MONTHS
It's been 3 months since I've been away from my abuser.
I'd been thinking of doing something to commemorate the day. Maybe dressing up and going out for a nice dinner. The more I thought about it, and the closer I got to the day, the less appealing the idea became. It's good that I'd finally torn myself away from him, but there's still much that I'm grieving over. The loss of, and severe damage to, myself; the loss of a man that I deeply loved and wanted to be with; the brutal reality of having fallen in love with an image that was sold to me; the brutal reality of betrayal, lies, deceit, malice. The abuse.
Still too much pain and disbelief to celebrate my new freedom.
I decided that I would do nothing. Tearfully, I let the day pass, completely pass, without my participation in it in any way. I chose to sleep. I couldn't face sitting at a dinner table, dressed up, thinking of how he would have enjoyed being there as well. Wishing he was there with me. Even more, I couldn't face sitting at a table in a nice restauarant, alone, and thinking of him in some other nice restaurant somewhere, entertaining someone new.
I know why I still think of him in this way, still have the feelings that I have for him. I know I'm bonded to him because of the trauma I went through while with him. Trauma bonds are a dirty and painful mechanism, but they're very real. Weakened in these past three months, but definitely still there.
I may be able to do it, eventually. Acknowledge that my freedom from malignant narcissitic abuse is infinitely the best choice. I may be able to celebrate that at some point. I'm just not at that place right now, and I think that's ok. Whenever I'm ready, I'll do it. I'll venture out, and celebrate.
For tonight, I cry, and sleep.
I'd been thinking of doing something to commemorate the day. Maybe dressing up and going out for a nice dinner. The more I thought about it, and the closer I got to the day, the less appealing the idea became. It's good that I'd finally torn myself away from him, but there's still much that I'm grieving over. The loss of, and severe damage to, myself; the loss of a man that I deeply loved and wanted to be with; the brutal reality of having fallen in love with an image that was sold to me; the brutal reality of betrayal, lies, deceit, malice. The abuse.
Still too much pain and disbelief to celebrate my new freedom.
I decided that I would do nothing. Tearfully, I let the day pass, completely pass, without my participation in it in any way. I chose to sleep. I couldn't face sitting at a dinner table, dressed up, thinking of how he would have enjoyed being there as well. Wishing he was there with me. Even more, I couldn't face sitting at a table in a nice restauarant, alone, and thinking of him in some other nice restaurant somewhere, entertaining someone new.
I know why I still think of him in this way, still have the feelings that I have for him. I know I'm bonded to him because of the trauma I went through while with him. Trauma bonds are a dirty and painful mechanism, but they're very real. Weakened in these past three months, but definitely still there.
I may be able to do it, eventually. Acknowledge that my freedom from malignant narcissitic abuse is infinitely the best choice. I may be able to celebrate that at some point. I'm just not at that place right now, and I think that's ok. Whenever I'm ready, I'll do it. I'll venture out, and celebrate.
For tonight, I cry, and sleep.
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