BIRTHDAYS

Today is my narcissist abuser's birthday. I know it's said that once you leave an abusive relationship, what helps you heal is to not ruminate on past feelings and events. I do believe that's helpful, and that I will eventually be better able to put that into practice. Right now, I'm just not there.

It's only been 4 months since I left, and this is the first birthday out of seven that we'll be spending apart. I didn't think it would bother me so much, but I've been inside the small utility closet on my floor at work, to cry several times, today. So it seems to mean alot more to me than I'd anticipated.

Birthdays in general are important to me. I enjoy celebrating loved ones. When my abuser and I first met, this was one of the things that came up about us - how I looked forward to celebrating, while he tended to ignore the day, because of how horribly his ex-wife had treated him on most of his birthdays. He was sad and upset about it.

He shared how he would plan surprises for his ex, get her gifts, but when it came to his birthday, nothing was reciprocated. He said she'd take so long to plan a party and work out all the details, that she seemed unwilling to do it. He'd either take over and plan something himself, or he'd tell her not to worry about doing anything at all. If she happened to be upset about something as it neared his birthday,  he said she would completely cancel whatever she'd been planning, and return any gifts she'd bought. He'd been really hurt by her continually treating him that way.

I expressed how sorry I was that that had been his experience. I told him I understood that it was a hurtful part of his past, and that I wanted us to create our own new experiences. I wasn't there to outshine his ex. I was there to be myself, show him who I was and what was in my heart, and move forward with him.

I wish I had known that what he was sharing was a setup. Grooming. That this was one of the many ways he would use to evoke sympathy, imitate intimacy, and forge a bond. By sharing a long-suffered hurt over being neglected. I had no reason to think it was anything other than two people sharing about our pasts. For me, it was genuinely so. For him, it was strategy. The phenomenon of Birthdays would painfully become one of the major recurring conflicts in our 7-year relationship.

I was excited to celebrate for and with the man that I loved. I was excited about doing things I knew he would enjoy. Each year, there was planning of dinners and activities and experiences and gifts. There was talking with his family and co-workers, who were celebrating him as well. Spending weekends together. It was something I enjoyed doing and looked forward to having those moments with him.

For him, birthdays were a completely different beast, and it became apparent very early in the relationship.

The first year, a short while before his birthday, my narcissist abuser would mention that he didn't want anything big done for him that year. He said he was used to nothing being done, used to not being fussed over, and he didn't want to go through the disappointment of that again. I didn't want to push big plans on him if he truly didn't want to do anything big, but I assured him that I hadn't planned on letting the day go unrecognized, and that it would still be a good day for him.

He worked early mornings, so I'd planned to meet him at his job with breakfast and gifts. During my drive in, he called. I wanted to surprise him, and not let him know I was headed to meet him at work, so I let the phone ring. He called again, and I thought Ok, I need to drive a little faster so he's not waiting so long to hear from me! He called again, and I answered, smiling, but quickly froze. He. Was. Furious. He'd just had a blowup with his ex, and was now calling me, but couldn't get a hold of me. His first words to me:

"YOU DIDN'T F***ING HEAR ME CALLING YOU??!! WHAT THE F***K ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW THAT YOU CAN'T ANSWER YOUR PNONE??!!"

It felt as though my heart stopped. I  was stunned and speechless, holding my breath. I had not seen this coming. At all. On my way to surprise him on his birthday, he was now cursing me out with no end of it in sight. Unfortunately, my response to abuse is to freeze, and then to cry. And in that moment, I was absolutely paralyzed. I listened in confusion and heartbreak as he raged at the top of his lungs that he was sick of all of us b***ches sneaking around, lying, thinking we could talk to him however we wanted and do anything we wanted. He ranted and yelled. I had no idea what had happened or of what he was talking about, and asked what I had done wrong. He raged that I was playing f***ing games, by not answering the phone, and that I could go and f*** myself if that's what I was up to. I felt deeply sick.

Voice weak, I explained that I hadn't answered because I was trying to surprise him for his birthday by meeting him at work. He said he didn't give a f*** about his birthday, and there was no reason for me not to answer his call. I told him I had gifts for him. He said f*** the gifts, he didn't want them. By that time, I was down the street from his job. I told him I was close. I would give him his things, and would then leave. I was undone and sobbing when I pulled in. I gathered his things, came towards him, humiliated. When he saw everything, his stance and demeanor changed. He looked pleased. He apologized, kissed and hugged me, and gathered everything. Asked me to take a picture of him, which I did. He later sent it to his mother.

Later that evening, he told me that having his gifts brought to him at work had made him feel really special, and that no one had ever done anything like that for him, before. I'd wanted it to be special for him, but it had come at a great cost to me. His rage and his words would not leave my head. He had eviscerated me in a matter of seconds, and then just as quickly went back to loving me. Though it was his birthday, and he'd had a good day, I felt foolish, weak, numb.

Eventually, the wounds from that episode faded, and I let the situation go. I labeled it a really dark, yet isolated, incident, caused by stress. A plan that hadn't turned out so well. I wouldn't dwell on it; it was a thing of the past. We moved on, and I looked forward to happier celebrations.

I continued to plan and to make his day special, but those "happier celebrations" never came to be. Every year, near his birthday, my abuser would go into a narcissistic monologue about nothing special ever being done for him. He was so tired of giving and doing things for people, while no one ever thought enough of him to plan anything for him. Or he'd say that he was just going to stay in for the day, as there were no obvious birthday plans for him, and he didn't really feel up to doing anything for himself. Initially, it saddened me that he felt that way, and I would try to validate his feelings. But as the years passed, and I continued to do things for him, while he continued to rant that nothing was being done for him, I started feeling upset.

Looking back, I now know he was manipulating me.

During one of his monologues, I asked him why he felt nothing had been done for him on his birthdays. I reminded him that I'd always done something for him, every year. He said there were a few times where he didn't remember anything being done. Again, I was stunned into silence. I knew without a doubt, that every year since we'd been together, I'd planned and paid for gifts, decorations, dinners, excursions. Every year. He insisted that he'd been overlooked at times. I reiterated that I knew we'd done something every year, and I listed what was done, the gifts he'd received. Once that reminder was out, several things happened at once.

He immediately raged that I was patting myself on the back and - one of his favorite phrases- "grading my own report card". He said he couldn't stand being with someone who felt they had to list all the good things they felt they'd done for him. He called me smug and self-righteous, for keeping count of all the so-called good that I'd done. I was at a loss, completely confused. Tried to explain that I'd brought up his previous birthdays because he'd said he'd forgotten what had been done for him. He wouldn't accept that, and was now saying that he now knew what type of person I was: someone who did things for people, only to hold it over them and rub it in their faces later. I didn't know how we'd come to this point, but it was excruciating, and I didn't know how to handle it.

In addition to outright denying that anything had been done for him, he would change tactics, stating that what I'd done for him had been okay, but he wished someone would do something "big" for him. That hit deep. I was a single mom, two small children, on one income, trying to build a business. My income fluctuated drastically at that time, but I knew how to patch things together to make them work. I planned for special days, for my kids, and for him, and I knew I gave my best with what I had. For him, I'd spent hundreds each year, on special places to dine, on trips, on jewelry and clothes. And he was now telling me it wasn't enough. It stung, but I thought that maybe I 'd been doing things that he hadn't really wanted all along.

I asked him what kinds of things he wanted me to do instead. He told me that he shouldn't have to tell me what to do for his birthday, that it should be something I came up with. He said that if he had to tell me what to do, then he might as well do it for himself. I can't even express how strained my brain felt, trying to understand what he'd said. I'd done things for him, for years, but it wasn't enough. I asked him what he'd like me to do, and he told me to figure it out.  But I couldn't figure it out. And that was the point of it all. For me to never figure it out, never figure him out, but to work harder and harder to try to understand and please him.

Manufacturing chaos. Creating confusion. Shifting blame. Belittling. Saying I hadn't done anything for him when I knew I had. All tactics of a personality disordered individual. Tactics of a narcissistic abuser. I didn't know it at the time.  I thought that if I performed better, our relationship would be better. So I tried. Still, every year, every birthday, we went through the same pattern.

Having laid all of this out, it makes me rethink what's been bothering me so. Yes I do miss him, and wish I could've spent this day with him. But greater still, is the pain that came with trying to spend those days with him. They were important to me, a way for us to connect and build, create memories. The disappointment and hurt as he tore away at the possibilities. I wanted so much with him, yet came away with nothing.

I know that it's better to hurt from missing someone, than to hurt from having that someone intentionally hurt you. I'm hoping this time next year, I'll be in a very different place with a very different perspective. I believe that I will, and look forward to it. But for now, my heart is heavy.

(And to you, ROW, Happy Birthday)