PHONE CALLS

Cutting contact is not an easy thing to do, especially when it's with a narcissistic abuser. The type of abuse they use is designed for this.  It makes it difficult for us to separate and leave. From the very beginning, they draw us in by becoming a pervasive presence in our lives. They are in everything we do, they are with us everywhere we go. Through sweet texts and emails all the time. Through being on the phone with us every moment, never wanting to hang up. It's intoxicating, the amount of time they want to spend with us. It feels deeply genuine, intense. A consuming love, and we wilfully give in to it. This is what they intend.

The attention grows invasive. The texts and emails must be answered immediately. They demand full detail of where you are and what you're doing, at all times. They insist on video calls when you're out, to see for themselves where you are and who you're with. The phone calls must be answered immediately, or you're accused of hiding something or someone that you don't want them to know about. You start to feel anxious about going out. Afraid of what they'll say or do if you don't answer quickly enough, if you don't give them all the information they're demanding. You feel monitored, leashed, but they have a defense for it all: it was something that the two of you had always done. You loved it in the beginning. They don't see why it was such a problem now.

This was the plan. To become a second skin. They become ingrained, they become your life. So when you finally let go, or when they move on, your skin rips away. Something big, something vital, is missing. It is hollow and raw. The ever-present voice, the chaos, that became your constant - It was fearful, painful, stifling - you were used to it. Now gone, it is eerie, silent, unnatural. It's some lone world.

I've been away for a year and a half. When I left, I knew what would happen. He would first hunt me, angry, venegeful. I would then be wiped from existence. He prided himself on this ability, often recounting how he'd done so to ex -wives and -girlfriends. I left, knowing this would be my fate. It has slowly come to pass.

The random appearances and appeals have dwindled down to almost nothing. I've watched from behind my wall as he's gone from declarations of love and change and reparation, to taunts and jabs and dangling, to icy indifference and distance and disappearing. And now almost complete silence, but for the one phone call every week.

Silent for months, and then it began. Phone calls, from phone numbers suspectly similar to my own. I see it, but I won't assume. It's ok. I'm ok. It can't be him, who's been silent for awhile, most likely taken with new flesh. I've been out of sight, so I'm out of mind. Yet the call persists. And the pattern takes shape. It's the same number, on the same day, every week. The alarm grows, I block the number. And when the day rolls around, and the call is supposed to come, it is quiet. It feels grim.

Now, a new week. The day comes. There's a call. It's a new number, again very close to my own. I cannot believe.... Do I have to assume? I'll give it another week, because it can't be true. The new week comes, the day comes, and that same number comes through. I'm quicker to act this time. I block it.  And then it's the next week, and then the day. There's no call. But a few days later, it comes through. A new number,  but one still very similar to my own.

This new number, and a newly chosen day, he makes his one call.  Every week. This is his game. Either late at night, or very early morning. Most likely sneaking to do it, given the time and infrequency. I once thought I'd feel happy to hear from him, to know he was still trying to reach me. I see that I understand too much now to believe that. And I know him. When he is hunting, and settles on one, he is voracious. The prey knows they've been chosen. These spatterings of calls? It's predator, returned to the remains. Just to see if there's anything of use left. A casual prod. Nothing more.

I feel dark about this play-time. There has never been more than just crumbs. And now, more crumbs, a year and a half later. But I see it for what it is, no enchantment clouds my heart. No matter what I struggle with presently, one thing is certain: I am closed to him, I know the game, I win this one.