CREATING CHAOS

A MEMORY:

We were going out to dinner. It was my treat. It would be something nice, a way for us to have a nice evening. He'd been in a good mood the past few days, having just gotten a new car. He was proud of it. Pulling up to the restaurant, he said he finally felt like he belonged in a place like that. The building, the neighborhood, was beautiful. He was happy, and I was happy for him.

As always, I walked in with him, hopeful, looking
forward to a quiet, intimate time. We were seated, and he was the man I'd fallen in love with - funny, strong, attentive, sweet. I relaxed. We sat close, enjoying each other, our surroundings. The night felt good.

Dinner was served. We began to eat, talking,
laughing. It felt good, normal. Peaceful. I took another bite, and he rested his utensils on his plate. "I love this,'' he said. ''It seems everything's been coming together in my life, lately I've been really happy with how things have been going." I warmed, smiled. He smiled, too, and added, ''The only thing that hasn't seemed to come together yet is us.''

My heart turned to lead. It dropped heavily inside me. My smile fell, and I could feel my breath quickening. I scanned his face, looking for a clue. Though he was smiling, the words seemed dark. Where had this come from? Why had it come up now? I continued to search, silently question, but there was only his content, pleased smile, still there, despite his words. Dread was spreading. I asked what he meant.

His smile deepened. "I mean, everything's great in my life right now, and I'm loving it. I just can't figure out why the only area in my life that's not good is this relationship.

Overdrive kicked in. I knew not to look or sound
emotional. Any hint of disagreement, any show of confusion, upset, or hurt, he would grow angry, erupt. I sat still, tried to look still, while frantically trying to figure it out.

Everything had been fine, we'd been doing fine. Why was he saying this NOW? Where was it coming from?!

My fork and knife were still in my hands, suspended on each side of my plate. I asked if there was something wrong, if something had happened to cause him to bring that up. His smile tightened, and he said with edge, "What are you talking about? I was sharing with you what I've noticed about my life. I was telling you that I'm happy with my life right now.''

Underneath the fear and confusion, and the desire to keep things peaceful, the anger was growing. It was true that he was sharing how he felt about his life, but he'd also thrown a jab that had drawn blood.

How could he complain about the relationship?
He'd admitted countless times to being extremely abusive, controlling, domineering. He'd admitted to purposely being hard on me, closing me out, and purposely hurting me. How could he complain about issues he knew was causing?

He was not smiling now. The skin of his face was tight, jaw clenched. His chest and shoulders had grown broad. ''See, this is what I mean. This is why I hate trying to talk to you. I try to tell you something good, tell you what I'm feeling, and you get all upset. You have to take something nice, and turn it into an issue."

My stomach churned, chest tight, limbs pulsing and numb. I explained that I hadn't gotten upset. I was trying to understand where he was coming from. He scoffed, dismissed me with a wave of his hand, repeated that he really hated talking to me, and didn't know why he even tried.

This hurt, as he knew it would. In one of his recent attempts to make up with me, he'd promised to stay open, work through difficulties, and resolve them. I could see that small opening squeezing shut, disappearing. Streaks of thoughts and memories flashed in fractions of seconds, scrambling for a better way - maybe there were simpler words - to be heard.

I told him I wanted to understand why he'd
said the relationship was the only bad thing in his life, and what had caused him to bring it up now. It seemed we'd been having a nice time, things had been going well. I wanted to understand where he was coming from.

He snatched his napkin from his lap, slapped it
down onto his plate, said he was done. He said I was now telling him what he could talk about, and when he could talk about certain things, and he wasn't going to tolerate it. "You just told me that our relationship was the only bad thing your life. I'm a part of that relationship, and it concerns me that you say it's the only bad thing in your life. I'm really not supposed to say or ask anything after hearing something like that?" To which he replied: "We're done talking about this."

This was what he did, it was one of his things. To be one way in one moment, then suddenly change in the next. To make some statement or comment, a thinly-veiled insult or attack, yet claim it was spoken in innocence, or that I'd
just misunderstood. To stoke frustration and anger til it was ready to spill, then pull away, refusing to talk or hear anything else about it. Where, if I kept silent, it would be a submission to his domination, but if I spoke up, would bring his uncontrolled rage. He'd done this for years, did it almost daily now. It felt inescapable.

"LET'S GO!" he commanded. His body had swelled even more, his eyes dark and small. "l'M SICK OF THIS! I CAN NEVER TALK TO YOU WITHOUT THERE BEING SOME ISSUE! LET'S GO: NOW!"

Something in me fought against this. His demands, the unfairness, the unreasonable anger. I'd tiptoed through the minefield he'd smilingly set off. Chosen words carefully, kept my tone even while trying to talk with him. None of it had helped, and likely nothing would. I didn't get up as he'd told me to. ''l'm still eating," I said quietly, eyes cast down. "l'm paying for all the food, and I don't want it to go to waste."

It was difficult to do. Disappointment - a heavy cloak - another evening, senselessly ruined. I finished my dinner in silence. He sat across from me, fuming, refusing to eat. Slammed things down on the table. Muttered to himself,
yet loud enough for me to hear, that things were going to change really soon. That he would no longer tolerate this kind of s***, that he was sick of it all.

I knew these words well and what they meant for me. He would either bring up other women who were letting him know they were so ready to take my place. Or he could come around to my side of the table, bend over me, and spew words of anger and threat into my ear and onto my face. He could end our relationship on the spot, telling me to never call, text, or come to his place, ever again. Or he would storm out, drive away, and leave me at the restaurant. I had shown some defiance, and he was boiling. I did not know what he would do.

Still, I remained. I managed to finish dinner, ask for the rest of the food to be boxed, and for the check to be brought.

A fight that had appeared from nowhere.
________

This is a behavior narcissists use to disrupt a moment, cause imbalance, and bring attention to themselves. It happens at random times, and is usually in complete contrast to what's going on in the moment.

They say or do something shocking, erratic, illogical. It's sudden. It leaves you confused and trying to figure out how it even started. Instead of addressing the odd, random thing they just said or did, the chaos they've created gets you to start looking at yourself, questioning if you were somehow the cause.

Because the changes in their mood happen unexpectedly, it keeps you on edge. This is the narcissist's plan. You never truly relax during their calmer periods, and you're even more wired when the behavior erupts again. It's meant to wear you down and keep you confused. To where you'll either comply, or be destroyed.

Understanding their tactics is key.