CONFUSION

I've been struggling the past few days with overwhelming grief and a deep sense of loss. Rehashing the final days before we stopped speaking. I remember clearly what happened, right before the end. I remember our words. What I can't grasp is how he chose to respond to it all. Simple things, that we could've talked through and resolved, became grave offenses. Offenses that I commmitted. Which quickly became verdicts of guilt.

All of a sudden, there was flaring rage over what I was told I'd done wrong. And just as suddenly, I was plunged into complete quiet and dark. Alone. He was here, and now he isn't. And in his place - disbelief, confusion, pain.

Eighteen days since we last spoke, the absence and silence has become painful. I'm in a much different space than when I first stopped talking to him. I am dislocated and semi-concious. Knowing the truth doesn't help much now. He abused me, severely, and has admitted to the abuse and its severity. Repeatedly.

So why is he still able to sneer and say that he doesn't need a woman like me in his life, that he can really just be done with me right now? How did I become the problem? Why is he able to take such a hardened stance, when he's acknowledged and admitted to being abusive for years? This is where I'm stuck. I know the answer, but still just don't understand.