SORTING THROUGH THE FEELINGS

In all of the quiet and space I've had in the past few weeks, a few things have stood out as being what I'm most hurt about. I know that I will eventually have to let go of these things so that I'm not stuck in one place. But for now, my mind keeps recycling these few things.

He is a Christian, and in law enforcement.
I know these designations do not mean he's perfect or infallible. But there are standards that come with those designations. As a Christian myself, I know I fall short, repeatedly. Daily. Sometimes by the minute. But I'm conscious of it. I self -assess and -correct. I receive feedback and instruction, and I can admit to faults and wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. I don't intentionally hurt others. If I do hurt someone, I ultimately went to make amends. These are some of my standards. I don't expect or feel this is the model everyone should live by. I do see, in general, that most people, Christian, law enforcement, or of any designation, adhere to fairly similar, healthy standards.

What hurts is that this belief system and his badge doesn't keep him from being abusive. It hurts that he uses this belief system and badge to cover what he does. I saw our beliefs and his badge as providing certain assurances and protection between us. Instead, he uses them to prey and to harm.

He becomes well- versed in Scripture. He studies, presents himself as a resource of knowledge and application. He reaches out to pray for those (mainly women) in need, and offers ongoing "spiritual" support and guidance, seeing ( these women) through their difficult times to the very end. I began to see that this was a ruse, that he was using the church as a hunting ground, presenting himself as a savior, and getting his supply through female gratitude. It was how he got me.

Positioning himself as a resource and a necessity to the pastors. Being that faithful, competent, reliable force of strength. He made himself indispensable, and he was deemed "Good", because he talked the talk, and had the badge. Unknown to his employers and the church, was the severity of the harm he was inflicting on me and my children. Lies and masquerading, to all of us.

He's gone unchecked for so long, to where he's now making himself a leader in several ministries that help victimized and trafficked women, showing appall and a "heart" for the abuse these women have suffered. It's the ultimate feeding ground for him. Calling him out, I've asked about his heart for me, for the abuse going on against me. I've asked how could he be so destructive to me in private, then act completely different when around the pastors and other leaders. He said it was different with me. That I was difficult, and what he did for them couldn't be done with me. That he WOULDN'T do it towards me. He said that God used flawed people all the time to minister to others. and even though he's abusive, he can still be used to help abused women. He's also asked to speak to groups of men about Godliness and character (from what he tells me).

He spends time with pastors and prays for people, and in the same day will call me obscene, vulgar things, gaslight and threaten me. He tells me that I'm unforgiving because I don't heal quickly from his abuse and easily move forward with him in the way he thinks I should. He says I'm toxic and difficult, and not who God has for him. He fosters multiple relationships with married and single women in and out of church, and taunts me about all the women that are waiting to sleep with him, and do all the things that I'm incapable of doing for him.

This Christian officer. I thought I would be safe with him. I thought he would cover and protect me. He initially said he would. Instead, he meted out emotional, verbal, psychological, and physical abuse, drawn from the severe end of the spectrum. Abuse that he's acknowledged and admitted to for years, yet still blamed me for. Saying my trauma (the fact that I deteriorated and broke down over time) was the reason we failed, and the reason why he couldn't stand being with me. He said if I couldn't get over it and move on, he wasn't going to waste any more time with me. That he was done waiting for me to go through my "special processes" and my "healings".

He expected instant pardon and restoration, without having to acknowledge, reconcile,  and repair what he'd done. If I couldn't give him that, the price was even more abuse, and discard. From the intentional, repeated abusive behaviors, I know this is not what being a Christian and an officer exemplifies. It's just painful that he perverts positions of influence and authority to get away with such destructive behaviors.